What To Do When Others Are Triggered
(Short Answer = Get the heck away from them!)
I have found that if I am around someone, who is triggered, it is best not to engage with them.
Unless I can help them de-escalate their reaction or discover and neutralize the underlying trauma.
(Which is pretty impossible to do if they aren't open to it or aren't asking for my help to do that.)
If they are very insistent on engaging with me, I might suggest taking a 10-minute break and then try talking again.
If they are still triggered, then I might suggest trying again in an hour or two.
If they are still triggered, I will suggest we try talking again tomorrow.
But mostly, I follow the protocol below...
- Recognize
The first thing I need to do is recognize when someone is triggered.
As I become more aware of my own triggers and the signs that I am triggered, I become more aware of when others are triggered. - Understand
Their nervous system is in Survival mode, and their Social Engagement system is off line.
They cannot access their cortex, where higher social and cognitive functions reside, like cooperation, taking in advice, and making good decisions.
Logic and reason will not work on them, just as it does not work on me, when I am triggered.
They cannot connect to their loving, caring feelings.
They cannot care about my needs.
They cannot see the good in me. - Do Not Take It Personally
Even if they are making it very personal, trying to make it about me, which they are very likely to be doing, in a triggered state, it really has nothing to do with me. It is about their unresolved trauma from the past. - Do Not Engage with Them
There is nothing I can say that will help. They will not respond to logic or reason.
There is nothing I can do that will help. They probably would not be satisfied or happy, even if I do exactly what they ask.
Do not talk to them.
If they ask me a question, I keep my answer as short & simple as possible.
(Sometimes I get lucky, and they don't actually expect or wait for an answer.) - Change Location
Get Away from them and their Dysregulated nervous system.
This reduces the chance that I will have to engage with them and that my nervous system will be impacted by theirs. - Send Safety Cues to my own nervous system, if need be
A triggered person automatically sends out nonverbal threat cues, which convey a lack of safety, because they are perceiving a threat.
Others around them may pick up on that fear, causing their nervous systems to become dysregulated, too.
How susceptible a person's nervous system is to being influenced by nonverbal threat cues varies by individual.
If I start to feel dysregulated by being in the presence of a dysregulated person, it is a good idea for me to get away from their nervous system (change location), even if it is just for a few minutes, and send some Safety Cues to my brain. - Wait
I just wait it out. Most people's nervous systems naturally de-escalate on their own within a few hours
(If it takes longer than 1 or 2 days, they might be stuck in what I call PTSD Land, which can take up to a couple weeks to pop out of without any techniques, such as burning off adrenaline.) - Distract Myself
I put my attention on something else, while I wait.
I try to get my mind off of the triggered person and what they are triggered about.
I find something else to focus on, like an absorbing creative pursuit or organizing my closet. - Get My Needs Met Elsewhere
There are countless ways to get a need met, and I may need to look elsewhere to get mine met.
(I can't buy apples at the hardware store.)
I might even seem like an enemy to them.
If I Must Interact with a Triggered Person
- I keep the Focus of the conversation on discovering what Their (true) Needs (really) are.
(A triggered person often doesn't know what their real needs are.) - If I can, I send Safety Cues to their nervous system (friendly face, bright/light tone, smooth calm voice, slow deep breathing).
- I know that some people are very sensitive to tone of voice or facial expression, and sometimes there is nothing I can do about it if they find mine offensive.
- I keep in mind that to a triggered person, the appropriate response to what is happening now will feel very wrong to them, because it would have been inappropriate in the past, when the unresolved trauma they are subconsciously reliving occurred.
A Protocol I Used at Work
- Express Understanding & Empathy (I completely understand. I would feel the same way!)
- Take Notes
- Repeat Back what I wrote down to make sure I understood correctly and got all the important points down
- State Specific Actions I will take & exactly what time I will follow up with them (same day - within a few hours)
- Follow Up Promptly (at least to give them an update about the steps I have taken and any progress that has been made)