Co-Regulation

Humans are Social Creatures.

We naturally send out and receive nonverbal cues about how safe our environment is.

During times of safety, our nervous systems are in Social Engagement mode, and we naturally send out non-verbal safety cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby.

When our nervous systems are in Survival Mode, we naturally send out nonverbal threat cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby.

These nonverbal cues are often conveyed through:

Voice - tone, volume & rhythm (monotone or disjointed speech containing unnatural pauses conveys danger)
Eye Contact - menacing looks or complete avoidance
Facial Expressions - scowls, worry lines, fear, anger, blank looks
Body Movements - erratic, jerky, or stiff movements signal danger
Breath - slow, deep breathing indicates safety; when we do not feel safe, our breathing becomes rapid and shallow, or we hold our breath

Through these nonverbal cues, our nervous systems can influence each other to feel safe or to feel fear and prepare to deal with a threat.

All of this sending and receiving is going on below the level of conscious awareness.

However, we can become aware of it and consciously send safety cues to our own nervous system.

SAFETY CUES

We can send Safety Cues to our own nervous system through our 5 senses.

Sending safety cues to the brain is one of the quickest ways to regulate/de-escalate the nervous system.

I've noticed that even just reading descriptions of Safety Cues out loud or hearing them read has a calming effect!

Below is my go-to Safety Cue protocol for quickly calming my nervous system.

Depending on how intense my triggered reaction is, I might do just a few or all of the items listed.

Full descriptions of all the Safety Cues I know about follow my protocol.

My Go-To Safety Cues:

Smell
Spray my face with Rosewater
Smell Peppermint and/or Lavender (tea, plant, or essential oil)

Sight
Visually Confirm there are no threats in my immediate environment, by looking all around me
In Front of Me
Behind Me
To the Left
To the Right
Above Me
Below/Beneath Me

Touch
Havening (Hands, Arms, Face)
Container (Shoulder/Arm Hug, Shoulder/Arm Squeezing, Armpit/Shoulder Hug, Torso Brushing, or Leg Patting/Squeezing)

10 Deep Breaths
(In for a count of 3 & Out for a count of 6)
Sound
Listen to one of the following:
Bell with a gentle, lovely, long reverberation
Tuning Fork
Singing Bowl
Calm, Soothing Voice

If my trigger is too intense, though, I might find any sound irritating.

SIGHT

We can send safety cues to our brain through our eyes. Sight is the most powerful sense for humans (our King Sense).

VISUAL CONFIRMATION

I look around me, in All Directions, to visually confirm that there are No Threats in my immediate environmen:

I Look in Front of me

To the Left

To the Right

Behind me

Above me

And Below/Beneath me

LIGHT

Fear is often heightened in darkness, when visibility of the surroundings is low to nil.
Having lights on at night, increases visibility, allowing us to see that there are no threats in the immediate environment, which increases our sense of safety.

When returning home after dark, having exterior lights on increases a sense of safety and relaxation, generating positive feelings about coming home, rather than stressful ones.

Lighting may be more important for women than for men, as women's brains seem to be wired to be on the lookout for danger at all times.

SMELL

We can send safety cues to our brain through our nose.

ROSEWATER

I don't like perfumey smells, but I found a brand of rosewater that doesn't smell perfumey to me at all. It comes in a spray bottle, and when I mist my face with it, it instantly makes me feel calmer.

ESSENTIAL OILS

I like to smell peppermint or lavendar oil as a sensory cue to usher in and increase a sense of calm.
For aromatic usage, I hold the bottle under my nose for 3 or 4 breaths.
Since I use concentrated, pure, undiluted essential oils, I am careful when first smelling any essential oil directly from the bottle. I have done some experimenting to find out how I personally react to their aroma and where my comfort levels are.

I have also done some research on side effects and contraindications for the essential oils I like.
For example, I learned that undiluted peppermint and lavender oils are skin irritants. They don't seem to irritate my skin, but I still go ahead and dilute them, if I'm going to put them on my skin.
Clove oil can be a lung irritant, so I do not smell that straight from the bottle, but it still smells really nice diluted.
(I prefer a 2%, 3% or 5% dilution for my essential oils, which is 1, 2 or 3 drops of essential oil per 2ml of carrier oil such as jojoba or coconut.)
Although I love the way citrus oils smell and I don't have a citrus allergy or sensitivity, citrus oils have a toxic effect on dogs, cats and birds (even in diffuser blends), so I mostly avoid them.

PEPPERMINT TEA BAG

I discovered that not ony is drinking peppermint tea soothing, but even just putting a dry tea bag to my nose and smelling it is incredibly soothing.

LAVENDER

Smelling actual lavender flowers is super soothing, and they tend to retain their smell for a long time.

SIMMERING

Simmering apples, cinnamon and cloves in water on the stove fills a home with soothing scents inspiring feelings of safety.

TASTE

We can send safety cues to our brain through our taste buds.

WARM FOOD/BEVERAGE

HERBAL TEA

Certain herbs have a soothing effect on the brain.

MEMORABLE FOOD/BEVERAGE

A Special Dish or Meal or Beverage that brings back memories of happiness and safety.

HEARING

We can send safety cues to our brain through our ears.

HEALING SOUND FREQUENCIES

Tuning Fork

Singing Bowl

Gentle Bell with a lovely, long reverberation

Gong

Xylophone
(I once had a xylophone, that had such a sweet tone, it soothed everyone's nervous system, who heard it, including my own.)

432Hz (Earth)

528Hz (Sun, Unconditional Love, Helps restore DNA to its original state)

VOCAL PROSODY

Prosody can be described as the musical quality of speech.
It includes rhythm, stress, intonation, melody, pitch (high or low), loudness (loud or soft), duration (fast or slow) and pauses.

Certain qualities in the human voice are naturally soothing to the nervous system.

The higher pitched sing-songy voice that we tend to naturally use when talking to babies sends safety cues to the brain.
So does smooth, fluid speech that does not contain a lot of unnatural pauses.

Listen to Childrens Music, which contains higher-pitched sing-songy voices
Listen to a Musician or Speaker, who has a smooth, fluid, soothing voice that we find pleasant
Call someone, who has a calm, soothing voice

SWEET SELF TALK

TOUCH

We can send safety cues to our brain through safe physical touch.

CONTAINER

According to Peter Levine, traumatized people have a hole in their boundaries, and feeling physically contained gives us a sense of safety and a feeling of being emotionally contained, too, which makes emotions & sensations feel less overwhelming.

We can feel physically contained by connecting with the physical boundaries of our body by sensing - through physical touch - the physical container that is our body, especially the shoulders, arms, and torso.

(He demonstrates these container holds on YouTube.)

Container Hold 1
Crossing my arms, I place my palms on each shoulder (or lower down on the outside of each upper arm), and hold for several minutes.

Container Hold 2
I place one palm under my underarm near my heart. I place the other palm on the outside of the other arm. I hold for several minutes.

Bedtime Container Hold
I place one palm on my forehead and the other palm on my upper chest. (Eyes open or closed.)
I just feel what goes on between my hands for a few minutes.
When I feel some kind of a shift, I move my top hand to my belly.
Again, I feel what goes on between my hands for a few minutes, until there is some kind of shift.
(This hold can be done any time, but doing this before bed is said to help us fall asleep better and have more productive dreams, and I have experienced that.)

Arms & Legs
Using both hands, I either gently squeeze the muscles in my arms and/or legs or pat my palms down my arms and/or legs.

Torso
I pat or brush my palms down the front and sides of my torso.

HAVENING

I do one or more of the following havening touches for as long as desired to usher in and savor a deep sense of safety.

Optional (Repeat to myself, silently or out loud "Safe, Connected, Loved")

Hands
I rub the palms of my hands together straight up and down or in a circular motion.

Arms
I brush my hands down my outer arms, from my shoulders down to the elbows. (One direction only)

Sides of Face
I sweep my hands down the sides of my face starting at the top in the middle of my forehead.
I can go partly into the hairline, if I want.

Cheeks
I sweep my fingers across my cheeks (from the bridge of my nose) and off the sides of my face.

Orbital Bone
I sweep my fingers along the bony ridge around my eyes from the inner eyebrows to the outer eyebrows, and down and around underneath my eyes to the bridge of my nose.

Face Wash
With my fingers together and fingertips pointing upward, I sweep my hands down my face from top to bottom, as if I'm washing my face.

(There are many videos on YouTube demonstrating these havening touches.)

TAPPING (Singular Points)

I tap on one of the areas below with my fingertips for a few seconds to a few minutes.
(If I want to, I can also repeat to myself out loud, "I deeply love, accept and approve of myself")

Thymus
I tap over my thymus (on the bony area just below the semicircle between collar bones)

Karate Chop Point
I tap on the outer edge of one hand (or alternate between hands)
Collar
I tap underneath my collar bones (not on the bone)

Top of Head

Ears
Starting at the front where my ear joins my head, I tap on my head all the way around the outer edge of my ears down to the bottom where my earlobes join my head and then all the way back up to the front starting point.

DRY BRUSHING

Brushing the legs and arms with a body brush.
(Moving in an upward direction has the added benefit of circulating lymph.)

MOTION/MOVEMENT

The vestibular system is part of the touch sense.
Certain types of movement are naturally soothing to the nervous system.

Swinging in a Hammock

Rocking in a Rocking Chair

Whole Body Vibration (standing on a vibration plate)

Slow Yoga

Yoga can release trapped sensations in the body that are linked to painful emotions

Tai Chi

Qi Gong

VAGUS NERVE STIMULATION

The vagus nerve is the long, wandering nerve that connects all of our organs to our nervous system. This nerve facilitates the relaxation response (Rest & Digest, Safe & Social) and the freeze response. Stimulating the vagus nerve increases the ability to shift into a state of calm by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (Social Engagement).

10-20 Slow, Deep Breaths

Slow, deep breathing stimulates the vagus nerve.
We naturally breath slower and deeper, when we feel safe. Slow, deep breathing signals safety to our nervous system as well as to the nervous systems of others.
(Even just being in the presence of someone, who is breathing slowly and deeply, can help calm our nervous system.)

Elongated Out-Breath

Like a big sigh of relief, elongated out-breaths stimulate the vagus nerve to activate the Social Engagement system.

Some activities that elongate the out-breath include:
- Deep Breathing
  Take a deep breath in and elongate the out breath by breathing out through slightly pursed lips, to create a little resistance.
  (I like to breathe in for a count of 3 and out for a count of 6)
- Whistling
- Humming
- Singing
- Chanting
- Holding a sustained voo or om sound
- Playing a woodwind or brass instrument
- Gargling water
Clove Essential Oil

Clove stimulates the vagus nerve.

A mixture of Clove (5 drops) and Lime (12 drops) Essential Oils in a Carrier Oil (like Coconut Oil or Jojoba Oil) (20 drops) can be rubbed behind the earlobes on the mastoid bone.
(Steam-Distilled lime oil does not cause the skin to become photosensitive, like regular lime oil can.)

Uses for Safety Cues

There are many applications for self-administered Safety Cues.

We can use them whenever we get dysregulated or before or after doing something dysregulating.

Before, during and after talking about or thinking about past trauma

Before, during or after a phone call. (e.g. I can do some Safety Cues at the beginning of a call, or I can take a 3-minute break at any point during the call to do some Safety Cues)

While Driving
(I often get stressed about reckless drivers on the road, so I take a spray bottle of rosewater with me)

While Traveling - Airports or Road Trips
(I take a couple of peppermint tea bags and a small spray bottle of rosewater with me)
(The peppermint tea bags have the added benefit of reducing nausea, if I get carsick or nauseous on a plane due to turbulence.)

Before doing Mental Work of any kind
(helps me absorb info and focus better)

Safety Cues can also help us cultivate a general sense of safety within our nervous system.

We can begin our days by ushering in and savoring a deep sense of safety using Havening touch.

First thing in the Morning
(especially, if we wake up with anxiety, grief, depression or any other negative emotion)

(I also like to do a TAT™ before getting out of bed in the morning, putting my negative feelings or thoughts into a pot.)
(If I had a bad dream, I put ALL THE SYMBOLISM IN THAT DREAM in the pot.)
See tatlife.com for info about this technique.

At Bedtime (to help us relax and fall asleep)
We can end our day with the bedtime Container touch.
This technique can help us fall asleep faster and have more productive dreams.

All Throughout the Day (to help undo chronic, low-level Fight/Flight/Freeze)