BURN OFF ADRENALINE - for Fight/Flight
In an activated state, like fight or flight, doing an energetic physical activity (anything that would normally tire me out)
can quickly burn off the adrenaline, allowing my thinking to become clear again.
(When I am adrenalized, this activity will not feel tiring at all.)
- Walk - short, long, slow or brisk
- Hike
- Jog (Running isn't the best because it imitates the flight response)
- Workout
- Hit a punching bag
- Ride a bicycle
- Go for a long motorcycle ride
- Listen to loud music
- Shake (e.g. shake arms around)
SOLITUDE - for Freeze
In freeze, all of the following feel like a threat...
- Eye Contact (looking at or sitting directly across from someone feels awkward)
- Proximity (anyone nearby feels like a threat)
- Sound (even sounds that normally feel calming or soothing might feel abrasive)
We need to spend some time (several hours) alone, in a quiet
(perhaps even silent) environment to allow our nervous system to come out of a freeze response.
While we are waiting, we can...
- Apply Heat (heating pad, electric blanket)
- Breathe (slow, deep breathing helps, or 15 minutes of Circular Breathing)
- Do some Havening, Tapping, and/or Self-Hugging
- Moan & Groan (helps get energy moving)
- Stretching/Yoga (doing this on a regular basis helps combat chronic nervous system dysregulation)
- Feel the Feelings (feelings come in 90 second waves and reveal our true needs)
- Journal
- Read a book or a blog
- Work on a Puzzle
- Creative Project (work on something creative that completely absorbs our attention)
- Spend Time in Nature
- Take a slow walk
- Anything else that distracts us and puts us in a positive state of mind
CIRCULAR BREATHING
To counteract the tendency to hold our breath when stressed, we can practice 15 minutes of circular breathing.
- Breathe in and out naturally (not deeply) for 15 minutes, without pausing between the in and out breaths.
JOURNALING
Getting all of our feelings and thoughts out on paper can help us sort through the mess in our head and
figure out what the underlying issue is and/or what our current upset connects to in our childhood.
What does this remind me of?
What pattern from the past is repeating itself?
POSITIVE INPUT
Reading or listening to something uplifting and/or inspiring can help us shift into a more positive state.
- Pamphlets
- Books
- Blogs
- Audio Books
- Podcasts
- Speakers
- Sermons
CREATIVITY
Getting absorbed in a creative project can be a very effective way to de-escalate our nervous system
(or distract ourselves from a craving), changing our state from negative to positive.
GROUNDING
One way to de-escalate the limbic system is by grounding.
Rhythm is very grounding. (It reminds us of the Heartbeat we heard in the womb.)
- Music
- Drum Beats
Drum beats are very calming and grounding to the nervous system.
(The slower the beat and the lower/deeper the pitch, the better, if I am in a triggered state. If I'm not, then faster and higher pitched beats feel wonderful to my nervous system, too.) - Binaural Beats (headphones are required as the beat alternates from one ear to the other)
- Side-to-Side Eye Movements
- Bilateral Touch (Place hands on shoulders - alternate squeezing each shoulder)
- Breathing
- Walking
- Running
- Tapping
- Counting
- Coloring
- Drawing
NATURE
We are part of nature, and the sights, sounds & smells of a peaceful natural environment send safety cues to our brain.
Spend time in nature.
In a yard, park, nature preserve, near water or in some other soothing natural environment...
- Sitting
- Walking
- Hiking
- Listening to the Wind in the Trees
- Listening to or watching birds
- Listening to waves (the ocean, a lake or a pond)
- Listening to a crackling camp fire or wood-burning fireplace or stove
- Earthing (Walking Barefoot on the ground)
- Touring a Garden
- Gardening
- Doing Yardwork
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT
When we are around other people (or creatures), who are feeling safe,
Safety Cues naturally come to us from their nervous systems.
LOVING PRESENCE
Connecting with a person, who is in Social Engagement mode, can send safety cues to our brain.
Being alone can feel extremely scary, when we're facing overwhelming emotions.
Connecting with a loving presence can be immensely helpful.
Talking to a neutral person, who isn't involved in the triggering situation and can be impartial,
can be very helpful.
Find someone, who
- Is a good listener - attentive, attuned, patient and non-judgmental.
- Can provide validation and empathy.
- Can direct us in utilizing techniques to de-escalate our triggered reaction (regulate our nervous system).
Added bonus if they
- Can intuitively ask good questions that lead us to uncovering our own answers.
- Can provide a new perspective and help us reframe our situation.
- Can help us sort through our jumbled thoughts to find the most relevant thing to focus on.
- Can help us identify and neutralize the underlying unresolved trauma from the past.
- Have a calm soothing voice, which sends safety cues to our nervous system.
FRIENDSHIP
Tim Fletcher talks about how to find Safe People. It takes time. There is a vetting process.
(Many of us are still operating as children - immediately diving in headfirst into new friendships.
That is appropriate for children.)
Tim identifies 4 Levels of Friendship:
- Aquaintance
We like them and know their name and a little bit about them.
We talk only about surface or cliche stuff (facts & stats) like weather, sports or work. - Casual
We like spending time with them doing things - everything is focused on common activities.
We do a little deeper sharing (opinions & beliefs), know a bit more about them, and have some common interests.
Comraderie is developing. - Close
We enjoy spending time together.
We don't need something to do - we enjoy talking and share about a lot of different things (including emotions).
It feels safe to open up about most of the stuff in our life. - Soulmate/Kindred Spirit
Meeting of the Minds.
We can be totally open about everything - there is no judgement, just total acceptance.
We have shared passions, are going in same direction in life, and have the same values.
Most friendships will stay at the first 2 levels.
We may have hundreds of aquaintances and many casual friends,
but only 6 or so close friends and 2 kindred spirits/soulmates (usually our partner and one friend).
You can watch a video of Tim talking about these levels (starting @ 2:45)
HERE.
Other videos about friendships/healthy relationships:
Tim Fletcher - A Longer Video about the Levels of Friendship -
Watch Video
Tim Fletcher - Healthy Relationships -
Watch Video
Tim Fletcher - Making Friends in Recovery -
Watch Video
Crappy Childhood Fairy - Friendship Skills -
Watch Video
Caroline Winkler - How to Make Friends As an Adult (Loneliness Epidemic) -
Watch Video
COMMUNITY
Community provides Social Engagement and positive co-regulation.
There are many types of groups that provide a safe sense of community.
- Theater
- Writing Groups
- Clubs
- Meetups
- 12-Step Meetings
- Spiritual Centers
- Church
- Volunteer Activities
It is important to note that, although these groups provide for Safe Social Environment in a particular setting,
that does not mean that everyone there is necessarily a safe person one-on-one or outside of that setting.
UNISON/SYNCHRONY
Doing things in unison or in synchrony with others sends Safety Cues to our nervous system.
Some Examples:
- Singing
- Playing Music
- Dancing
- Swimming
- Exercising
- Jogging
- Rowing